The Exodus

Dear Avid Readers,

After a long and exhausting exodus, Yours Truly has returned. Let me catch you up on my life.

#1. Career. Most of you know I have started a new job. I have a swanky title, a swanky paycheck and a swanky new attitude...that is until I started the actual job. It is made crazy. I have never experienced a place quite like this. I feel that even as I type you these stories you would not believe me. But alas I will try... (ps...from here on out my boss will be referred to as The Man or TM)

THE A TO Z'S OF MY CRAZY F#%^ING LIFE AS THE MAN'S BIATCH

A. TM was actually disappointed in me Friday because I was NOT Korean
B. TM told a co-worker to stop smiling because there was work to be done
C. TM told me that there was only one f#%^#ing name I needed to know and that was his
D. TM yelled in front on the entire office, "you know what your problem is, you are not f#^#@ing proactive"
E. TM told me that he didn't hire me to be f@^#@ing nice, and that by me being nice I was actually really naive
F. TM called me "cheap" for trying to find him deals on hotels
G. and when I found more expensive hotels he told me to f#%^#ing get a deal
H. TM does not believe in allowing co-workers to speak to each other
I. TM does not believe in voicemail
J. TM does not believe in cutting his own fruit (he hires a girl to be his fruit slicer)
K. TM does believe in spending $3,600 to ship a painting to his house in the Hamptons just for the weekend
L. TM wears the same black turtle neck to work every day
M. I witnessed TM fire someone just because he didn't like the "air of him"
N. TM will tell you to do something, forget it, and then yell at you for doing it
O. TM has a girlfriend 25 years younger than him
P. TM will scream and cuss when I am with families discussing the advantages of attending school here
Q. TM decided to build a "cafe" style seating area in the middle of the floor
R. Since I've been there TM has moved me from my original seat, to a seat downstairs by the receptionist, then moved me again to the "cafe"
S. There is no democracy at where I work, it is an absolute tyranny, and the Tyrant is known as TM
T. Every Thursday TM will dictate to the receptionist a list of things he wants for the Hamptons and Friday morning the receptionist will run around the ENTIRE city picking up things for him.
U. The reason for this is because his bagels HAVE to come from 81st street Bakery, but his salmon can only come from the Fulton Street Fish Market, yet his steaks have to come from the 14th street meat packing district and his tomatoes have to be hand picked from the 2nd Ave Garden
V. When CVS (it's like the Walgreens of the East Coast) called to tell him his prescription was ready to be picked up and I went over to tell him, he yelled at me and told me to put messages for him on a post-it note...made me actually not want to tell him and hope he forgets about his prescription...evil, I know.
W. TM wears shades even when he's indoors (always a sign of sketchiness)
X. TM's turnover rate is higher than eggs at a diner
Y. The man does not believe in office's because of his paranoia so we all sit in one HUGE room screaming and yelling at each other because we don't have voicemail or extensions and so when a call comes in we just scream at each other, but we can't talk to each other so when a person is new (like me) and don't know everyone's name you just have to scream really loud and hope that whomevers name you just screamed heard you and picked up line 3
Z. And to top it off, TM told me once that he didn't hire me to sit around and look pretty!

#2. My roommate and I have been discovered by these two little rugrats down the hall, and because we allowed them into our home to "play" one night they now sit around and knock, and ring our doorbells til I am forced to go out and yell at them CONSTANTLY. So, I must ask Dear Avid Readers...is it wrong to put other people's children in time out? Please respond.

#3. This is only a test from Dear Avid Michelle, she once told me that she does not read blogs that are "text-heavy" so if she gets to #3 I will be very shocked

#4. I keep having dreams that I quit my job in a blaze of glory, screaming, kicking and fighting

#5. Edward and Dev have taught me how to get to level 4 on my Nintendo DS and hence, I have spent most Friday nights with my new best friend Mario

Well that's it dear avid readers. i apologize for my long and brutal absence. Hopefully I will either be fired or quit my job soon and can spend all day blogging again.